When I was in hospital I started jotting down words and phrases as I was worried I’d forget how I felt and what happened on specific days; I needed a record, an account of what happened. The random words soon turned into paragraphs. At first I wrote daily but as the months have passed my diary has moved to a couple of times a month, usually when something of note happens.
I’d like to share parts of my diary, some thoughts are too personal and too painful to share. I thought I’d start off with the first week; the week my perfect little family unit of 3 and a bit was changed forever.
Saturday 7 feeling ill, went to day unit pre-eclampsia don’t worry it’s manageable
Sunday 8 kidney failure? Would rather pre-eclampsia (how wrong was I?)
Monday 9 scans in morning, said I’m not doing this (pregnancy) again – sonographer replied ‘hopefully you won’t have to’ I didn’t get what she meant, later told I may have to terminate pregnancy due to slowed growth, called Matt, my perfect second boy is in trouble how is this happening? I understood the comment from earlier.
Tuesday 10 scared feeling ill but moved to ward
Wednesday 11 feeling ill scared but hopeful then told awful news about my blood results moved to side room very ill in night, back on labour ward, not allowed a c-section
Thursday 12 back in room 2, so so ill. 9pm tablet given to switch off pregnancy hormones. Scared I was hurting Rory as he became really active, called midwife told her I’m a bad mother
Friday 13 9am pessary given, 1cm dilated already body giving up, I said I didn’t want to die, scared, wired up to drips made my brain feel warm, labour starting, gown on, quick, gas and air, birth, just too small, sad cuddles, just weird
So that’s a week summed up in a few paragraphs, the words go a little way to explain what happened but it is hard to truly convey the sheer hopelessness of the situation.