I’ve been meaning to write about Christmas for a few days but didn’t know where to start but then a conversation this evening gave me some inspiration.
I keep getting excited about Christmas as Toby is excited and then I am sad as I remember that we should have Rory with us, there should be presents for him in the spare room and a stocking with his name on waiting to be hung up on Christmas Eve. Instead all we have is have a couple of Christmas decorations to put on the tree.
In terms of the build up we are taking a different approach this year, not just because of Rory but because we want to start making our own traditions rather than blindly following others as it fits in with expectations. So this year we are going to a local crib service which is at a better time! This means we can have a relaxed Christmas Eve with Toby rather than the usual hectic rushed evening it turns in to. As we will not be seeing some family at the usual service Matt and I are planning to drop in on the close family we won’t be seeing on Christmas Day, just to say Merry Christmas and that we love them. If 2015 has taught us anything it is to appreciate those around you and make time to do family things (another reason for wanting our own Christmas traditions and rituals).
I’m trying not to think about the day itself as I know it will be painful and sad and I will be at odds with myself all day. I just want to get through it, see Toby’s happy face and then go to bed and pretend it didn’t happen.
So, back to my reason for writing. I started to write out Christmas cards and wasn’t sure how to honour Rory in them. It felt weird adding his name to our three as he is dead but it equally felt strange to not mark his existence at all. Matt agreed so we pondered some options. I found a subtle way to show that our precious boy existed, those who get a card from us will see what it is soon!