There is a thing going around on Facebook where mums are nominated to share pictures that show how happy and proud they are to be a mother.
Everyone’s posts are different and lovely. I was nominated last night (see picture of my post) and was proud to show pictures of both my boys and explain how I love them.
The photo challenge got me thinking as not everyone can celebrate motherhood, some have a baby but not in their arms and others long for a baby which hasn’t arrived.
I fall into all three camps, we tired long and hard to have Toby, 5 years and a shed load of cash later he arrived and it was a culture shock (it still is!) but I try my best to be a good mummy and I am so very proud of him. Then there is Rory, our baby who couldn’t stay, the little boy who has made me the mummy I am today.
My Facebook post wasn’t just for me and my boys, it was for the mums who can no longer hold their baby and the mums in waiting.
Motherhood is complicated, full of stress, love, worry, fun, guilt and pride. I wouldn’t change my journey for the world.
Toby’s birthday is in less than two days and I still can’t believe he will be four! A few months ago I had the ‘great’ idea to make him a teepee for his birthday.
I bought a pattern, then some fabric and didn’t do much else. At the start of December I panicked, contacted my lovely sewing teacher and we made a date to meet. Over the course of two hours she deciphered the pattern and helped me cut the fabric out. We determined that it was going to be a biggun!
I then didn’t do much, life was busy, Christmas happened, upset and miscommunication occurred and I switched off. Then two weeks ago I panicked again and set to work. I sat at my shiny new sewing machine and sewed, unpicked, cursed and sewed some more. Today with the help of my dad who came to drill holes in the poles I finished!
I’m proud of my achievements, the teepee stands up and looks ok. I took up sewing after Rory died as I needed something to pass the time, I couldn’t stand watching TV or looking at my phone so sewing was my escape in the evenings. Off I went to IKEA and bought a cheap machine (I have since upgraded to a Singer) and I played and created.
I realised last night that if it wasn’t for Rory I would never have made something so amazing for Toby. If Rory hadn’t died I would have never discovered my love for sewing.
There is love for Toby and Rory in every stitch of the marquee sized teepee, I can’t count the stitches as there are too many. The number stitches is just like the amount of love in my heart for my boys – it is unquantifiable and never ending (a bit like the start of my teepee making journey!).
Thank you Rory for helping me to make Toby a very special present for his birthday X
Toby and I had a good day today, it was busy, productive and fun. We had our French class this morning and Toby enjoyed doing the actions to various sports and picked up the words fairly quickly.
We ran some errands, had a quick lunch, did more errands and then met friends at a local ornamental garden. The beds on the way to the rope swing were full of snowdrops, they were beautiful – so pure and fragile but strong enough to withstand the cold weather.
The snowdrops made me think of this poem which was read at Rory’s cremation.
‘The world may never notice if a Snowdrop doesn’t bloom,
Or even pause to wonder if the petals fall too soon,
But every life that ever forms or even comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way for all eternity.
The little one we longed for was swiftly here and gone,
But the love that was then planted is a light that still shines on,
And though our arms are empty our hearts know what to do,
Every beating of our hearts says that we love you.’
I’m here, I’m in 2016. It came quickly and quietly and with laughter, not at all how we’d planned all those months ago, but it is here nonetheless.
Christmas Day was kind and gentle but so sad as we should have been a four rather than a trio. Presents were exchanged and hugs given. We released balloons for Rory, a complete surprise which I was grateful for as late on Christmas Eve I realised we didn’t have any balloons for my baby boy. Toby had lots of fun with his cousins who adore him. I was so proud of my family that day, proud to say they were all mine!
The evening was quiet, too quiet but we had made it through the day somehow and it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. Christmas is a time for gratitude and I was grateful for my supportive family.
New Year’s Eve was spent with friends and proved to be fun. I discovered some new and highly inappropriate words and we saw 2016 arrive with laughter and friendship. I was grateful for the support of friends that evening, they got us out of the house and made a scary evening into a good one.
How do I feel in 2016? A bit frightened of milestones approaching, forever wondering what could have been, reaching out to family for their love and support but also hopeful that this year will be better, kinder, gentler than 2015.