I’ve been quiet in the run up and after Rory’s anniversary, I wasn’t quite sure what to make of it. Part of me couldn’t believe that a whole year had passed since he died and the other part felt it had been a decade since it happened. A few days before his day I went to our local craft store to buy some bits to make him a card (they don’t make cards to send to your baby on their anniversary so we Angel parents are left to improvise). As I was wandering around the store I saw a birthday card display, my eyes were drawn to the blue 1st birthday section and I thought that if things had gone well I’d be buying one of them rather than making my own card, and then I thought that actually I wouldn’t be buying one of those cards in March as Rory’s birthday was supposed to be in July, and to me that is when is birthday will always be. People don’t really understand my attachment to July but it is what it is and for that reason I could not call 13 March Rory’s birthday as it wasn’t supposed to be the day he was born and he died. Messed up logic but hopefully you get my point.
Summer babies old and new will always be a reminder of what we missed – sunny birthdays spent under a gazebo, garden games and water fights. Toby is a winter baby so all of the above are not possible. A summer birthday in the family was one of the things I was most looking forward to when we were expecting Rory. I guess it’s just another thing that I will miss about him not being here.
On Rory’s anniversary we were obviously sad but decided a nice day out was in order. We went to Lepe beach which is about 25 mins drive from our house. It was bright and sunny and we had a gentle time playing in the sand with Toby. We let off a balloon for Rory with a little tag attached telling him how much he was loved. Matt and Toby had fun splashing in the water until the beach ball floated away (I reckon Rory was being a cheeky little brother willing Toby to kick it further and further until it was too far.
I wouldn’t say the day was happy but it was in no shape or form as bad as I’d imagined. We had some lovely messages from family and friends and felt lots of love for us and for Rory.
I saw this news story on the BBC website, we were lucky enough to have good after care in hospital. This video gives an idea of what is on offer, more hospitals need these services though!
Hospital bereavement suites helping parents after stillbirths http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-35752207
Today is the first day of March, the month when Spring starts. All around me I can see blossom on the trees and flowers trying to push up from the cold hard soil. All this life springing up in the month my baby died.
Last year I was angry at Spring, how could the trees still be blossoming and how could the dadfodils still be popping up when Rory had died. It felt like the whole world was mocking me with its life and vitality when my life had come to a stop.
This year I’m not angry at Spring but I’m sad. This season used to be my favourite, I loved that spark of life coming out after the barren winter. Driving to work on a crisp bright morning looking at the lovely blossom on the trees was a favourite part of the season. This year I can see the blossom but it doesn’t fill me with joy; instead it just reminds me that Rory’s anniversary is approaching.
I hope as the years pass I can learn to love Spring again, I miss the joy that this season used to bring me.
Now March has arrived I’m at a loss to know how to mark Rory’anniversary which is fast approaching, it is most definitely not his birthday on 13th March as he was never meant to be born in March – friends please take note of that! Part of me wants to hide away in bed and part of me wants to shout his name from the rooftops so that people don’t forget him. Family have started asking what we are doing and I don’t have an answer which I feel bad about as I’m usually the one with the ideas.
I’m sure we’ll do something fitting, I just wish I knew what it was!