I’ve been erratic with my posts during the first 6 months of the year. I found it very strange being pregnant whilst still wishing Rory was here with us. I felt like a fraud to grieve and miss my second baby whilst carrying my third.
My head was full of very conflicting emotions. I desperately wanted my new pregnancy to fill the gap left by Rory but in truth all I wanted was Rory in my arms so I was guilty for wanting Rory and guilty for wanting a baby. We thought long and hard about trying again and felt with precautions and medical support we should at least try to give our first son a living sibling.
In our heart of hearts we knew it wouldn’t be easy and for that reason (and to protect our wounded hearts) we didn’t do happy public announcements and literally told only those who needed to know. Three weeks ago we found that again there were placenta problems and this time last week, despite everyone’s best efforts we were told there was no hope. Our baby hadn’t grown in two weeks and was going to die. We made the agonising choice to take control back and end the pregnancy before I got ill. Mercifully before I could be induced on Sunday our baby made the choice for us and slipped away sometime on Saturday surrounded by the warmth of my body. It was strange enjoying a family day out knowing he had gone but I put on a brave face for Matt and Toby.
Induction day came and after an 18 hour labour Henry was born on his daddy’s birthday and Father’s Day.The aftermath is strange, the grief and pain is familiar but very different as I know what to expect and know that I’ll be ok. It is not a shock this time as we knew things could go wrong. That being said, I’m still sad and still missing what our family could have been.
At the end of last week we agreed that having spent 10 years building a family we were done. No more planning, no more invasive procedures, no more counting forward 9 months, no more expense, no more pain. We’re done. Sad but content to remain a three and looking forward to starting a new chapter with Rory and Henry firmly at the centre of our hearts.