Finding my Rainbow

Henry was supposed to be our rainbow baby, the calm and light after the raging storm that was Rory but he wasn’t and he has brought a storm of his own. I am angry that we didn’t get our rainbow, our happy ending to a turbulent year. That’s the thing though, whilst many do get their rainbow there are others like us who don’t. Some days I nearly understand why and think perhaps we have been dealt this hand because we are strong and can cope but then other days I am incredulous at the fact we have lost two babies – it just isn’t fair.

What I have come to realise over the last few days is that we actually have a rainbow baby in Toby who arrived after 5 long years of trying for a baby, countless appointments, procedures and thousands of pounds spent. When he was born he was just a baby, and a difficult one at times. I struggled with the culture shock of wanting a baby for years and then finally getting one – it was hard and it still is. Looking back, I never truly accepted that we wouldn’t have a baby and I think that has made me take Toby for granted rather than cherish him like no other. 

I need to make it clear though, Toby is no miracle, he was made with the help of science and our determiation. When we told people Henry was poorly they said they would pray for a miracle, whilst this sentiment was appreciated I decided that I didn’t believe in miracles, I believed in science and science told me our baby was going to die, no miracle was going to change what we had seen on the screen in a darkened room.

Losing Rory and Henry has taught me that nothing is guaranteed in life and we should make the most of every day. If Toby asks for one more cuddle he gets it as I’ll never have that moment again, not with him and not with his siblings. He is growing up so fast and it hurts that we can’t do it all again, his first milestones will also be the last we see, never to be repeated by Rory, Henry or anyone else in our little family.

Thank you Toby for being the rainbow I didn’t know I had, you are my light and my joy every day, even when you are being a bossy stroppy so and so! 💙

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