My copy of Harry Potter and the Cursed Child arrived on Sunday and it was finished by Sunday night. I wasn’t sure what to expect from a book which wasn’t actually a book but a script from two plays; it was a good story and it was lovely to be reading a new Harry Potter book!
I won’t reveal the plot but the story involves a lot of time travel thanks to a contraband time turner. This is where things get sticky as I couldn’t shake off the overwhelming wish to turn back time and experience another life, a life where Rory lived and Henry was still just an embryo in the freezer. But then logic kicked in and I realised that if I had gone back in time and we were given a different egg donor then yes we may have had a living baby but he or she would not have been Rory and that made me sadder as I’d never have seen his face or experienced the deepest most inexplicable love imaginable. Yes I would be happier and more tired and slightly stressed but there would be no Rory, no Sands friends, no deeper understanding of loss. Even with all the pain I am glad he happened to us and changed us.
Then I wondered about Henry, what would life be like if I’d gone back and told us to leave him in the freezer and think carefully about how things may pan out? We’d still have an element of hope that’s for certain.
What if we’d decided to use a surrogate, would she be pregnant with Henry, would we be excited that we were approaching 30 weeks? Would we have finally started getting the nursery ready and sorting through the baby items in the loft? I’d be worrying about the prospect of having to hold and care for a baby boy that’s for sure. I’m also not sure I’d be happy.
Of course it’s all hypothetical as time travel is impossible but for a few minutes I wondered and my brain hurt nearly as much as my heart on Sunday night. I cried, I cried a lot and I felt stupid for crying over a book about wizards and magic as they are not real but my boys were real and really all I want is to hold them again, just for a minute.
Rory and Henry happened, I can’t change that and I’m not sure I want to; I can’t go back, only forward with them firmly in my heart. Sleep tight my precious boys.