Version 2.1

I saw this link on Facebook this morning and it got me thinking. http://stillstandingmag.com/2016/08/beforeafter/

At the weekend I had to deal with being around a baby for some family photos and I cried a lot, until there was nothing left. That evening Matt and I talked and I said that the old me was probably never coming back but I’m ok with that. When some one dies the world is split into before and after that moment.

After Rory died I spent a lot of time trying really hard to be normal and like I was before; that probably didn’t help me or anyone else as I was putting on a front of being ok, of being normal. The truth is you can’t be normal after your baby has died as you know too much, you’ve been through unimaginable trauma and pain, the magnitude of which is life changing and the old you from before is never really going to come back. 

Henry was all part of my ‘I just want to be normal’ plan; I just wanted us to be a normal family of 4 who just happened to have a bit of sadness in the middle and a massive happy ending in the shape of an alive and well baby. But Henry didn’t happen as we’d hoped and with his loss I entered version 2.1 phase. Double loss equals double the trauma and there is definitely no old me coming back in her entirety. 

When I think about it, do I want version 1 back? This would be the naive, IVF babies don’t die Naomi who didn’t really understand or know how to deal with loss, never knew what to say if someone cried and had the compassion of a rock at times (well maybe I am still a bit rock like). My boys (all three of them) have changed me and taught me how to love deeply, care more and fight for myself – that isn’t a bad thing.

Yes there are still tears, sad moments and times I just want to get off the rollercoaster for a lie down but I am ok, yes a bit battered and bruised, but still getting though each day even when sometimes the days are so very hard. 

I’m learning to live with and appreciate version 2.1 of me, now it’s time for everyone else to learn to love her as much as I do.

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