I’ve written about this at length more than once so apologies for going over old ground. 

After a loss you think in terms of before and after; most people would assume that this is before and after the boys died, or before and after we knew things were going wrong but for me it is life before we had our ‘Rory IVF’, before October 2014. 

This photo popped up in Facebook this morning, it represents my life before – before the excitement of possibly having another baby, before I was pregnant, before I was ill and before I knew that even IVF babies die. 

I look so happy, so naive, so carefree and I am genuinely smiling, sparkling even. I’m not forcing a smile, there is no sadness lurking in my eyes. When that photo was taken I knew the following month we were ‘having a go for a sibling for Toby’ we had a happy easy life with no trauma, no awkwardness, no fear of bumps and babies. 

That person looks so like me but at the same time feels like a stranger. I want to go back and tell myself to protect my heart as its going to be broken twice over. I can’t change what happened and I don’t think I want to but to go back to that life for 5 minutes would be heaven.


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