Day 31 – Sunset Reflection
If Toby was my sunrise then Rory and Henry are my sunset.
Every day starts and ends with me thinking about them. How different life would have been if just one of my boys could have stayed.
There will be no more babies for us, we made that decision in June when we were told Henry was going to die and the doctor confirmed it in September, another donor egg pregnancy will likely end up the same way. My boys are the sunset on our infertility journey, with confidence we have called it a day. I will never stop being infertile but at least now there’s no planning ahead 9 months, no costly treatments, no epic failures. Today starts national fertility week which seems fitting to come straight after baby loss awareness month.
This month has been a mixed bag, it is the month Henry was due this year, the month he and Rory were created and the month we found we were pregnant with Rory in 2014 and October was the month a whole new trauma struck last year. But amongst all the sadness and reflection has been joy and love and achievement and I’m so very grateful for that.
I’ve enjoyed having a nudge to write daily blog posts this month, I’m not sure I’ll keep writing every day but I will still write as and when my heart tells me to.
Day 30 – My Promise To You
This is a day late as yesterday evening was spent in A&E with Toby as he had a bump on the head – all was fine!
To Rory and Henry. I promise that I will never forget you. I promise that as long as I’m living I will talk about you, include you in my life and ensure that your memory lives on even though you are gone.
Our home is filled with your names, pictures and our love for you, I promise that will never end.
I can see my promise in action every day – through Toby saying your names, from feedback about our books, by people commenting about my print necklace. Other babies may come but they will never ever replace you and they will never be as special and precious as you both.
So much good is coming out of your short lives and I promise to help others, to try to make their pain slightly easier to carry all in your names.
Rory and Henry, I promise to love you forever.
Day 29 Give Away Your Love
I am a fairly giving person, be it a little treat for someone, a fabulous present or my time that someone needs. I think I like to feel appreciated and I love making other people feel special.
This week a loss Mummy contacted me to say they’d been given one of our baby books in hospital. Her and her hubby were appreciative of the gift and that it offered them a chance to be normal by reading the book to their baby.
I was humbled, something I’d given with love was truly loved and appreciated. Our plan had worked, people got it! By giving away a little piece of our love for Rory and Henry we made a difference, a small difference but a difference nonetheless.
Day 28 Self Compassion
This is a toughie. I am compassionate to others but not to myself. I have no confidence in my abilities, I constantly think I’m a rubbish mum, crap wife and even worse friend. I was like this before my losses but Rory and Henry magnified these thoughts.
I try to be strong and plough on through life and it is rare for me to feel comfortable being kind to myself or taking a break just for me.
In the summer a few events showed me that I needed to look out for myself and that it was ok to do that. I still feel the need to explain and justify why I’m missing something or ducking out of a play date but I am trying to look after and love myself. For me, for Matt, for Toby, for Rory and for Henry.
Day 27 Family is Forever.
To the outside world we are a family of 3 and we look like this:
But we are and always will be a little family of 5 and to me we look like this:
Photos of my children look like this to the outside world:
But to me this is a proper photo of all of my boys:
Or this will do:
And this is just beautiful!
As you can see, I’m a little bit obsessed with including our boys in everything – from stars in birthday cards to teddies in photos or names on ornaments! Rory and Henry are and always will by our baby boys. Family is Forever.
Day 26 #whathealsyou
I’m not sure I’ll ever be truly healed, actually I know I won’t. I am not going to be without scars after losing two baby boys late in pregnancy, giving birth to them, holding their cold dead bodies and seeing their little coffins at the crematorium.
I stupidly believed that a baby would heal me but Henry didn’t, not just because he died but because he wasn’t Rory. All the time I was pregnant with Henry I just wanted Rory back and then just as I’d started to accept my pregnancy, to date that we’d make it through, Henry died.
There are however things that help with the healing, with feeling normal.
In no particular order these things that heal me are:
- My family
- Southampon Sands members
- My counsellor
- Cheesy pop music
- Harry Potter (books or film, I don’t mind)
- A cold crisp sunny morning
- Talking about my experiences
- Remembering our babies
- Other people remembering our babies
- People who get it and don’t judge
- Raising awareness
- Walking (this is a new one)
- Taking Toby to and from school
- Having choice about situations/places/people I am exposed to (that’s a big one for me)
Day 25 I Am
I am a mummy. I am a bereaved mummy. I am infertile. I am a wife. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am an aunty. I am a friend. I am a crazy cat lady.
I am sad. I am lost. I am broken. I am bitter. I am angry. I am anxious. I am unconfident. I am uncertain. I am troubled. I am impatient. I am traumatised. I am fearful. I am frightened. I am isolated. I am exhausted. I am not normal. I am different. I am a statistic.
I am strong. I am brave. I am tough. I am caring. I am compassionate. I am loving. I am funny. I am friendly. I am creative. I am smart. I am aware. I am awesome. I am fabulous. I am happy. I am hopeful.
I am me.