Who They Are #captureyourgrief

Day 2 – Who They Are.

This post is definitely not about Toby, he gets enough coverage. That’s not a bad thing of course, it’s going to be that way as he is alive and the centre of our world.

This post is all about my other boys, the ones we can’t take daily pictures of, the ones we will always wonder about, the ones we long to hold in our arms one more time.

Rory: Due 10 July 2015, Born/Died 13 March 2015 at 23 weeks weighing 380g

Henry: Due 15 October 2016, Born Sleeping 19 June 2016 at 23+1 weeks weighing 245g

My boys, my precious babies loved before we even had our IVF in October 2014. They were gone before we really had the chance to know them, yet there faces are burned into my brain. They are the first and last thing I think about every day and numerous times in between.

They were beautiful just like Toby, they had the same squished nose, super long fingers and big feet just like him.  I wonder if they would have been serious, cheeky, laid back or high maintenance. I wonder if Toby would have loved them or found them to be an annoyance.

Would we,  what if, should have – only ever those phrases for my babies. Always past tense or wondering, never present and future.

Would I change them? No. Sometimes not sure but never yes. They are me, they are us. I am who I am since them, they are woven into the fabric of my being, of our family and I don’t want to change that; I can’t change that.

Sleep tight my baby boys. We will always wonder what you would have been.

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