This is a difficult one as whatever I write will not do justice to how I feel and how other loss parents feel when their world crumbles around them.
What it felt like to find out we were pregnant with Rory? Excited, scared, guilty.
What it felt like to be told I had pre-eclampsia? Shocked, scared, disbelief.
What it felt like to be told that we may have to end the pregnancy? Despair, anger.
What it felt like to make the decision to choose my life over that of my baby? Guilty, sad, worthless.
What it felt like to hold your perfect precious baby and watch him die in your arms? Sadness, loss, emptiness, your world ripped away.
What if felt like to arrange your baby’s funeral? Utter disbelief.
What it felt like to see your husband carry a tiny coffin into the chapel? Broken.
What it felt like to go back to work without your baby? Fear, awkwardness.
What it felt like to be hurt by the people you didn’t expect to hurt you? Anger, hurt, confusion.
What it feels like to be asked how many children you have? Scary, isolating, awkward.
What it felt like to have Christmas without your baby? Sad, lost, broken.
What it felt like to hear your friends talking about how hard it is with two (and how great it is)? Isolating, awkward, sad.
What it felt like to be pregnant again? Weird, very weird.
What it felt like when you’re told it’s happening again? Not shocked, numb.
What it felt like to be told your baby was going to die? Lost, sad.
What it felt like having a family day out when you knew your baby had died? Weird, empty.
What it felt like planning another baby’s funeral? Unexpected, sad, strange.
What it felt like seeing an even smaller coffin than before? Heartbroken.
What it felt like going back to work worried you would crumble at the first ‘hello’? Fear, panic.
What it feels like talking about your babies? Uplifting, pride, belonging.
What it feels like being put in to situations you have no control over? Scary, fear, awkwardness, panic, anger.
What it feels like to wake up and realise it wasn’t a bad dream. Loss, sad, grief, tired.
At any one time I can feel several emotions; some days I can be the pinnacle of joy and at the exact same time so very sad and lonely.
The best word to describe how I feel most days is exhausted.