#captureyourgrief Day 4 – Support Circles

Before Rory died I was pretty sure I didn’t need any support in my life, I’m not a quitter and I like to do things on my own. Asking for help means failure and weakness and that is most definitely not me.  I was the woman who went through 5 rounds of IVF with the support of only Matt and a handful of friends – I was strong, I didn’t need help thank you very much.

Quickly after a life changing loss you realise that you may need some help but it is very hard accepting it. At first it was from those close by, Matt, Toby, family, old friends. I felt OK leaning on those people but not totally at ease, after all I was supposed to be the strong one!

The worst thing about accepting help is the kind face you get with it. Even now a kind sad face makes me crumble. Did I say, I don’t do crumbling in public? No? Well I don’t.

After a while when I was still feeling strange, lost, broken and sad I searched wider and found Sands and The Firgrove centre who were most definitely needed and I felt OK seeking their help as it was their purpose and their job to help people like me. In a way they saved me, my Sands friends just ‘get it’; I really wish we didn’t know each other but we do and I am so grateful.

When Henry died I was a bit complacent, I told work to give me a couple of weeks off and I’d be back. ‘I’ve done this before’ I said, ‘I just want it over’ I said. I was wrong, I had not done two dead babies before and I didn’t really want it to be over, I didn’t really want my baby to die. They were very kind and saw straight through my bravado and I’m grateful they told me to take a bit longer, have my holiday and then come back to work. I was grateful to my colleagues for not making a fuss and instead just saying it was good to see me. They don’t realise it but they are part of my support circle.

I’m grateful for the support I’ve received and continue to receive. I still don’t ask for or accept it willingly but I’m learning not to feel weak and like a failure for reaching out.

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