So much of my life is unspoken, often I’m too tired to share, too broken to fight or feel it’s not appropriate to share.
A friend will ask ‘how are you doing?’, I’ll reply ‘I’m good thanks, although it’s a bit cold isn’t it, the weather is awful at the moment’. What I really want to say is that I’m sad, I’m broken, I’m exhausted. What I should say is ‘I’m struggling today but I’m coping’ – I don’t though as often I’m not sure the ‘asker’ actually wants to know. ‘Hello, how are you?’ Is a greeting not a question most of the time.
People say ‘you’re so strong’ and I say ‘thank you’. What I really want to say is ‘I didn’t ask to be strong, I don’t want to be bloody strong but I have no choice!’.
People say ‘you are doing so well’, I say ‘thank you’. I really want to say ‘actually I’m not doing ok, this life is really hard and most days I’m struggling in one way or another but I don’t have a choice to crumble so I carry on’.
They say ‘you’re coping so well, your so happy’. I reply with ‘thanks, I’m ok’ but what I really want to say is ‘thanks I’m a flipping good actress!’.
Why do these words go unspoken? I’m not sure. Often I want to say them and sometimes it’s a situation where I can share. The trouble is I hate crying in public, I hate looking like a weirdo crying in the street and also people don’t always know what to do with a crier.
A few times when I have shared hownim feeling I’ve not found the support I’ve needed at a time I needed it more than ever and that had catastrophic outcomes. In reality it’s often just easier to gloss over the question and move to the next one.
I’m making my friends sound like horrid uncaring people, they are not and nor are they stupid. They know when I answer and then change the subject that I’m not ok, I’m not always coping and I’m not happy and I know that they are there even if I leave things unspoken.
People will look at photos on social media and think, wow she looks happy, they’re having fun! This photo was taken at Matt’s birthday party held 5 days after Henry died. Lots went unspoken that evening at our request and that was ok.