In an ideal world we would have a 15 month old wirldwind of a boy OR I’d be 39 weeks pregnant today. But we have neither. Our boys will always be a beautiful mystery. We will always wonder what they would have been.
I don’t wonder about them being here together or us being a family of 5 as Henry only happened because of Rory. If we had decided to use up our spare embryo it wouldn’t meant 15 month old Rory and newborn Henry; we would have used it I’m sure, but it would have been a few years on.
I always think in terms of ‘we would have had Rory or Henry, never both’. It took a long time to get that straight in my head. Often they still blur into one but I blame the effects of trauma for that.
I’ll always know how old they would have been at any given moment and I’ll always wonder how different our lives would have been if only one of them had been able to stay.
Toby will grow up and we will take hundreds of pictures of him each year but we can’t do that for Rory ans Henry, they are forever frozen in time as a tiny scrap of a baby.