Today’s prompt means two things to me.
The first is surrendering to and embracing my grief. I seem to do this in waves when it ‘suits’ me. I know it’s not healthy to keep things in but there are times I have to keep it in. Social norms don’t allow for crying at random innaproporate moments and my stupid British stiff upper lip doesn’t allow for it either so the happy funny Naomi mask goes on and I save the tears for later.
When I do give in I feel better, then worse, and sometimes it takes a while to feel better again – that could be hours, days, weeks and that’s what stops me from surrendering completely. It is just too exhausting to feel everything at once.
The second meaning for me is about physically surrendering and holding babies. A few months after Rory died I held two babies, one unwillingly as circumstances took over and the other I chose to hold. It felt uncomfortable, weird and sad but I was so proud I’d done it. I’ve not held a baby since January this year and honestly I have no idea when I’ll be strong enough to do it again. Some loss mummies find comfort in babies but to me they bring me out in a cold sweat. It’s a major issue and I’m working on it with help from a local pregnancy loss charity.
So, two things to work on – surrendering and embracing my grief more often and trying to be around babies without having a panic attack.