Day 23 Sounds, Seasons + Scents #captureyourgrief

Day 23 -Sounds, Seasons + Scents

This is a massive one to cover. The biggest one is seasons for me. 

I used to love spring, it was the time of year when the world came to life, pink and white blossom filled the trees and fluffy leaf buds popped out of branches. The sun shining on a crisp morning, what’s not to love? 

But then Rory died at the start of spring and it all changed. The magnolia in our front garden taunted me with its buds and flowers, daffodils showed off with their bright yellow flowers and the pink fluffy trees just looked pointless. How was everything springing to life when my baby died?! I still feel a bit sad that I can’t love spring like I used to. I’ve changed so my taste in season seems to have changed too. 

I woke up today in an odd mood and this morning whilst the two other boys in my life were out swimming I just had to get out of the house. I felt claustrophobic and the sun on the autum trees outside looked so inviting (I also needed to get my 10,000 steps in today!). Off I went and as I plodded along I marvelled at the beauty around me, I’d never really noticed how beautiful autumn was before. The orange, red, green, yellow and brown trees shone in the low morning sun, all set off with a carpet of leaves on the ground. It was simply beautiful and I wondered how dead and dying leaves could be so beautiful. It reminded me of my boys – they represent beauty in death too.

I think today I’ve found my new favourite season! Even though October is filled with memories, what ifs, and a large chunk of trauma, I officially love autum!

The sounds part of this is more tricky – there are lots of sounds I can’t stand but the two which are massive triggers are babies cries (no explanation needed) and the sound of blood pressure monitors – that whirring takes me right back to hospital with Rory when I was having 30 minute checks, waiting expectantly to see if there was any change. Matt has to use a home monitor every so often and every time I hear it I shudder.

Smells? I miss the smell of Toby as a baby and I’m sad for Rory and Henry as we never got to bath and snuggle with them like we do with Toby. The overriding smell for the boys is chemically and slightly cheesy – Rory’s hat smells of the hospital and the undertakers but he wore it so I love it. Henry’s duck gown came back a bit mouldy and smelly, I tried to save it with bicarbonate and talc to no avail so had to gently hand wash it. It still smells a bit odd and a bit cheesy – the smell of death and decay? Probably but I love it all the same.

This was my view from the bedroom window this morning, it enticed me out of the house!


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