I’ve been trying to win at Christmas since mid October by being organised with present buying, planning trips to see the big man in red, getting the house all festive and generally acting like a member of the Griswald family from the 80s films. I thought I was winning with some presents wrapped before December arrived and most of my shopping done, but then I walked into the supermarket on 1 December and it was Christmas overload – decorations everywhere, Christmas songs blaring out and festive items all up for buying. I grabbed what I needed and got out quick. I realised that perhaps I wasn’t winning at all.
I’m quite good at pretending things aren’t happening so as the big day approached I got stuck in to Christmas craziness including a festive break at center parcs but now it’s Christmas Eve and I can’t escape the fact that we face our second Christmas without Rory and our first without Henry. Our first Christmas without any hope of a bigger family, our first as a definite family of three. I want to go to bed until January but of course I can’t as there are things to do and Toby is so excited about Farmer Christmas coming.
There are people all over the place having the Christmas we hoped for last year and the one we longed for this year, they keep popping into my head and I keep shoving them away as it hurts too much to think about them, their babies, and their happy Christmases.
I hope the next couple of days are gentle to us and I very much hope that 2017 is kinder to everyone x