2017, I’ve always loved starting a new year, January feels clean and fresh and the year is new and shiny. New years are bittersweet these days as each new year marks being further away from my babies. This March it will be two years since we lost Rory and I now have to say that Henry died last year – it’s frightening that the last two years have flown by in the blink of an eye.
2017 is the first year since 2006 that we’ve not been planning on starting a family, trying for a baby, undergoing fertility treatment, pondering a sibling, having more treatment and being pregnant. I’m sad that we won’t have any more babies, relieved that it’s all over and a little excited about being free from such worries.
As it’s a new year and we are moving forward (not moving on, that’s different) I am determined to clear the clutter from our lives that is weighing us down. I am slowly starting to sort through our junk and it feels good. I know this year I will have to face sorting through all the baby stuff in the loft. Most of it was Toby’s but there are a few bits I bought for Rory, they will be hard to look at, hold, and let go of.
One of the first things to go is a sharps box. When we found out that Henry’s pregnancy was not going well I was put on clexane injections, they ended two weeks later when we found out he was going to die within days. This sharps bin has been sat on the side in our bedroom since June and until this year I did not have the energy to get rid of it. Tomorrow it is going; the box is sat on the doorstep waiting collection in the morning and when I go to bed I won’t see it. I won’t see the constant reminder of my failure to keep Henry alive, the reminder of feeling let down by the doctors we took advice from.
I am relieved, I feel like things are happening and a positive change is filtering through. This time last year I thought a new baby would fix me, it didn’t, in fact it very nearly broke me. The only thing that can fix me is me and I am looking forward to taking charge of what and who is in my life in order to move forward in positive ways.
2017, I’m ready for you – show me what you’ve got!