I don’t talk about my biggest, lovely, caring boy here enough. This blog is firmly about the boys I don’t have with me. The three of them are intertwined of course.

This morning Toby held his hands out in a little V shape and said he was going to give me a little cuddle from one of his brothers. I squeezed him so tight and told him that he gets his brothers’ cuddles too. I realised that I do cuddle him for longer these days, like I’m trying to squeeze as much love as possible into him to make up for the boys not being here. 

Then he wanted to write a note to Henry and Rory and cut it out. He told me the words and I helped him spell them but it was all his own work. He then asked when ‘balloon day’ was (we alsways send up balloons on special days). I told him it was March for Rory and June for Henry. He asked if we could send the note up. 

I cried and he said sorry for making me sad. I said I wasn’t sad, but happy and he is lovely. I squeezed him harder. 

I love my biggest boy so very much and I love that he loves his brothers. I hate that he’s sad but love that he is all at the same time if that makes sense. 


6 thoughts on “Toby

  1. Hi. I hope it’s ok to let you know about ARC? Ante Natal Results and Choices. I used their site/forum for months and know of moms without a rainbow and without an earth child to hold at all.

    I can only imagine that your words would be very gratefully received.

    I love your article and the honesty which we all feel but may not always feel we can share.

    The photos of your boys are beautiful. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Lulu, do you have a link? I could perhaps share this post on there? I’m also happy if you wanted to share the post. I’m hoping to share positive stories of living with no happy ending baby. If you’d like to be involved please let me know 💖


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