March brings spring, for the past two years I’ve hated spring, how could the flowers still bloom when my baby had died?! I loathed it in 2015 and last year despite being pregnant with Henry I still felt uncomfortable seeing the world spring to life when all I wanted was Rory back.
For the past few weeks signs of spring have been popping up and I was surprised – rather than feeling lost and angry at Mother Nature I was excited to see the blossom on the trees and daffodils starting to peep out of flower beds. Spring was always my favourite season and I was so sad that I’d started to hate it. I’m not sure I’ll love it like I used to but being happy about seeing blossom is a start!
March isn’t just about spring though, it’s the month our world changed forever, the month Rory was born and died, the month I lived to tell the tale of pre-eclampsia and HELLP syndrome. I can’t call 13 March Rory’s birthday and given my dislike of terms coined by the loss community, ‘angelversary’ isn’t the right fit either. A couple of weeks ago Toby wrote a message for Rory and Henry and asked to send it up on Rory’s ‘balloon’ day. We always send balloons up on special days which is where the idea came from. That was it! Balloon Day – a perfect term to mark the days our babies arrived. Their due dates will forever be their unbirthdays, their delivery date will never be their birthday. Thank you Toby for finding the perfect term.
There are triggers and dates approaching which scare me, can it really be two years ago it all happened? We have plans to mark Rory’s balloon day, of course there will be balloons and tears but there will be surprise random gifts and cake, lots of cake. I feel ready to mark the day this year. I’m not sure what has changed but I’m ready.