Sunday was Mothers’ Day, a day I spent so many years wanting to take part in and now I can it has very mixed feelings for me. To be honest it never really lived up to the hype and I’d usually end up feeling a bit meh at the end of the day. 2015 saw me have my first Mothers’ Day as a bereaved mother (two days after Rory died – that was tough), and last year for various reasons I was left feeling like a burden so this year had to be different.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful that I get to ‘do’ Mothers’ Day, but I’m sad that my baby boys aren’t here to share it, and I feel guilty because my loss mama friends don’t have their babies to hold and my infertile friends are still waiting and here I am with the prize that is Toby who I can hold in my heart rather than only in my heart or my dreams.
Matt was away last weekend so before he went away he and Toby put out a treasure hunt for me to find on Sunday morning. It was lovely – clues to find, thoughtful gifts and at the end the most beautiful heartfelt poem written by my lovely husband.
It was crumpled due to the treasure hunt hiding place, not because I trashed it… You wouldn’t think he was a number loving auditor would you?! I cried when I read it, I shared it with my loss mama friends and they cried. Simply beautiful was the consensus.
Then this week a friend told me about a poem by EE Cummings, it holds so much meaning for people in my situation so I thought I’d share it here.
I carry your heart with me (I carry it in), by E. E. Cummings
I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling) I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) I want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true) and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)
I know the formatting is wrong but it pasted in badly. Hopefully you felt what I did though.
[Copyright 1952, © 1980, 1991 by the Trustees for the E. E. Cummings Trust, from Complete Poems: 1904-1962 by E. E. Cummings, edited by George J. Firmage. Used by permission of Liveright Publishing Corporation. Source: Complete Poems: 1904-1962 (Liveright Publishing Corporation, 1991)]
Two pieces of heartfelt words which have provided comfort in a challenging week.