I’ve been twitchy the last week, I put it down to lots of things going on at the moment and end of term fatigue (I never knew the latter was a thing until Toby started school!).
As I travelled into work on Wednesday I remembered that this time last year I was pregnant and then I panicked that I don’t really recall any milestones and dates from my pregnancy with Henry. I can still remember special dates from my pregnancy with Rory two years on so Henry should be clearer, more easy to recall but he isn’t. I put so much effort into protecting my heart when I was pregnant that I’m forgetting him so quickly.
I’ve read articles about ‘loss brain’, it’s essentially like baby brain but far more extreme. It makes sense really, trauma is life changing and it does change your brain, your whole being. My memory is definitely awful, a good example is that I forgot the Olympics had happened last year – yes really! At the end of last year we were eating one of those cheesy review of the year shows and the Olympics popped up, I said to Matt, ‘it wasnt this year, I don’t remember it’. Poor Matt, the look of fear mixed with concern and WTF on his face is something I’ll never forget. In my defence, the Olympics took place not long after we’d lost Henry and everything was a bit of a daze.
Anyhoo, last night I couldn’t shake the thought I’d had in the car earlier in the week. I WAS pregnant and I should know dates. I had a feeling that our 12 weeks scan was early April, I realised this was why I’d felt weird, but I didn’t know the date. I rummaged through Henry’s memory box and found the scan pictures. There it was – 8 April. I knew it was soon! I was so glad that I’d not missed it without a single thought.
Henry, you are so loved, I may be crap at remembering your dates and milestones but I promise never to forget you.