I’m still healing, I’m not 100% despite how it may seem. The world is full of triggers for me, some obvious, some no so. One day I’ll be able to do something the next day I can’t. The grief ebbs and flows and its effects are evolving.
People have lost patience with me, they may have felt at times I was finding things to be difficult about, that I was just being awkward for awkwards sake.
I have PTSD, I’m not ashamed to say it and whilst I do not use it as an excuse, it does help to explain why there are some things I can do and some that I just can’t. My condition is directly related to the losses. I suffer flashbacks, fatigue, disturbed sleep, short term memory loss, anxiety, and depression. I have had panic attacks (but not for a while thankfully).
If faced with a bump or baby I just want to get away as they trigger the pain, the guilt, the sadness. The noise of a blood pressure monitor takes me back to hospital. The sound of a heartbeat on a monitor takes me back to the hospital visits, the scans, the bad news.
I feel ashamed for asking for allowances to be made at home and at work, I should be coping better and most days I do cope really well (or at least I tell my face to look that way). I am grateful for the allowances and I know that they won’t be fovever, they can’t be forever. I just need people to be gentle.
Avoiding the triggers were possible is how I manage day to day. This is much easier said than done, especially at the moment. Avoidance is obviously not a practical solution in the long term but I have plans to deal with the unavoidable.
Today my tortoise laid eggs. My lovely husband texted me before I got back from the gym to warn me about the eggs as he knew it could be a trigger (yes even animal babies make me twitch!). I was ok as she’d been showing signs for weeks and she’s laid eggs before so it was expected. But in that moment I was grateful that he cared and understood enough to warn me. This is just a small example of me and my husband navigating every day seemingly innocuous events.
If I do something unexpected, if I don’t react how you think I might, if I say something odd, if I am short with you or I simply avoid you then please be gentle with your thoughts and actions. I am slowly winning the battle but I need love, grace and patience to win the war.