I think all loss parents just want to be listened to. We don’t want advice or suggestions as to how we should be dealing with things. We don’t want someone to change the subject. We just need someone to let us talk and to listen without judgement.
Not long after we lost Rory I went to see a friend for a play date with Toby. We’d not seen each other for a while and she did what very few have done; she asked me to tell her what had happened and so I did. I told her every detail whilst Toby played in the garden with her girls. She listened, she commiserated, she didn’t judge. It really helped me to say it all out loud and it helped her to understand. If I close my eyes I can vividly see her patio, the rockery, the teepee and croquet set in the garden. That afternoon had more of an effect on me than I realised.
Not so much now but particularly in the early days, if I tried talking about Rory or my hospital stay people would shut me down by changing the subject. The thing is, I don’t talk about things to upset people or myself or because I’m looking for sympathy (that’s the last thing I want). I talk and need someone to listen as it helps me to explain, to raise awareness, to remember two tiny boys who are part of my family.
Recently I’ve been brace and I’ve mentioned my babies to strangers when they’ve asked me about my necklace. So far responses have been positive so I’ll keep doing it.
I talk because my boys lived and I need people to listen and to know that there are two boys who should be here.