I think I’ve cried more tears these past two years than some people cry in a lifetime. Some days there are tears, some days there are not, usually I cannot put my finger on why the tears come.
The the most difficult time for me is driving into work – the 20 minute journey allows my mind to wander, the reality of what has happened suddenly rears up and hits me.
My journey to work can make or break my day. Music helps to stop my mind from wandering to the dark corners. Often there are tears on my journey in, not because I dislike my job (I love every bit of it!), but simply because the enormity of everything that has happened has hit home during those 20 minutes and I know I’m about to have a day of triggers ahead of me.
Because the tears can hit at random moments I’m never without tissues, I have travel packs in the car, in my bag, in the ‘days out’ rucksack. There are boxes of tissues in most rooms at home and on my desk at work. I’m essentially keeping tissue factory workers in jobs!
I cry less now, not because I’m not as sad, but because I can control it; sometimes holding back the tears is just easier, less embarrassing, less awkward.