I am just over two years down the line from Rory and nearly a year from Henry. I can’t fully reflect as I’ve not done a full circle of Henry milestones – this time last year I hadn’t had the doomed 20 week scan, I didn’t know he’d be born on Matt’s birthday, on Father’s Day. I don’t know we’d have to ask people to still come to Matt’s birthday party even though Henry had died 5 days before (I still don’t know how I got through it!) I didn’t know we’d have to cremate a second baby boy.
I do know that I have changed for better and for worse and every day I am coming to terms with the new me.
I think I have become better at dealing with things; I function, I go to work, I laugh, I have fun. There are so many things I still can’t do though (I’m saving those for a future post). There are days when I get sad, I cry, I’m angry and I’m bitter but those times are lessening and there are bigger gaps between these moments.
I have learnt to embrace these sad moments and run with them rather than hiding how I feel.
I reflect on the choices I have made and my actions in the past and I’m ashamed of some things and proud of others. This year I have made efforts to make the bad things better, to resolve differences and to move forward. This is a work in progress but it is positive.
I’m now better equipped to talk about my baby boys to strangers, my necklace is usually the starting point. Only last year I know I would have glossed over it if people asked who’s prints were there. Now (and I don’t know why), I have a confidence to tell the truth, a well rehearsed confidence at least…
Sometimes I have flashbacks and it makes me reflect on what had happened even if I don’t want to. In these moments I realise that I had two babies die. I have had two dead babies in my arms. Some days I cannot believe it happened to me, it truly feels like it happened to someone else and I’m a bystander. When I stop and think about the loss, the trauma, the pain twice over I’m not sure how I’m still here, how I’ve survived.
But I am surviving and that’s amazing. I’ve come a long way but there is still far to go.