Every day adds distance between the present day and the time my boys were still alive.
As the distance in time grows life is getting slightly more tolerable each day. This is good but I have a long way to go.
There is a flip side, as the days move forward it feels more and more like the boys were a dream, they are just a memory, a box of belongings and a little urn on a shelf.
The bad memories are blurring and fading, this scares me. Not remembering, not feeling the pain means my babies are on the way to being forgotten. I’m their mummy and it is my job NOT to forget them, to keep their memory alive, to involve them in our everyday lives.
There is also of course the physical distance aspect. I cannot stand to be around bumps and babies. My skin crawls, I want to tell them to fuck off, if it’s a really bad day I feel dizzy and my palms sweat – thank you PTSD for this!
Tonight at the theatre a pregnant lady had to get along the row we were sat in. Her bump nearly touched me *vom*. I squeezed back as far as possible as she went by. I’m so glad she sat further down the row.
The thing with this sort of need for distance is that every day I’m navigating around these triggers. I walk a longer route around the playground so as not to walk near the fertile breeders, I keep my head down and walk fast. I panic before Toby goes to a party wondering if there will be a bump or baby there. I wonder if I should ask in advance but then I’m just drawing attention to my issues. So I go, I keep my distance, I keep my head down and I hope for the best.
I am constantly on alert and it is quite frankly exhausting. I have had counselling which helped to a point. I’m never going back on medication, I refuse to be a zombie again. So, I am making plans to desensitise myself by accessing EMDR therapy which has good outcomes for PTSD. I have absolutely no idea if it will work for me but I have to try something. I cannot spend the rest of my life on high alert, I cannot keep avoiding bumps and babies.
I hope also, the therapy will help me to remember the good bits about my pregnancies rather than trying to forget everything.