I started this post between Christmas and new year and then things were so busy I forgot about it. Actually, I didn’t forget, more there was no time…
The boys are still asleep after a full on Christmas Day (and an early start yesterday). I’m sat here reflecting on yesterday and the run up to Christmas.
A few days ago I was feeling nothing, not a festive feeling to had. I was surprised as this is the first Christmas since Rory (and then Henry) died that I’ve felt like I can cope. I expected to be a teeny bit excited at least but nope, nothing.
Friday I spent the day with my nice and her family for a day out, another recovery milestone ticked off and it felt nice, and it felt normal to be around them. We had a lovely day. A couple of times though, the boys popped into my head. I wondered what it would have been like pushing Henry around in his pushchair, would he have liked the petty lights? Would I be sat in the toddler area of soft play with him rather than sitting just outside drinking coffee. Then my brain switched to Rory, would I have spent the day chasing him as he ran off all the time. I could see two beautiful dark eyed boys and my heart ached. But then I was confused as they wouldn’t have been here together at those ages and I couldn’t choose who I was missing more. I’ve not had those thoughts for a long time and they are not constructive or conducive to being well. My brain ached, so, in the spirit of EMDR, I noticed the feelings and I parked them for later. I got on with having a nice day. Then as we left the age old question popped out of Toby – ‘Mummy, can I have a sister?’ He’s asked it all the way home, all evening and again in the morning.
That, along with the what ifs from the previous day meant that everything is not felt in months came crashing in. The day before Christmas Eve I was in pieces, crying at everything and good for nothing. I had errands to do so off I went hoping they would distract me – wrong! A Mum from School was kind to me in B&Q and I cried. I’ll be honest I felt like a twat. I’m sure the shop assistant thought I was crying at the annoying self checkout voice as she showed me how to switch it down!
When I got home I wrote an apologetic message to my friend and got on with finishing off baubles that I made for Rory and Henry. Something told me I had to visit the baby garden at the crem so off I went with two very obviously hand made by me baubles in my bag.
As soon as I pulled into the car park I felt better, the crematorium always brings peace to my heart. Although we have the boys’ ashes at home, the crem was the last place they were whole in their little white coffins. The baby garden is beautiful and I hung the baubles on the memory tree there.
I realised that I love the boys both the same and it’s ok to think about them, and I don’t have to choose.
Christmas was filled with love and fun and I truly enjoyed it. As we approached new year I was excited about what 2018 would bring.
2017 was a year of making amends, finding the old me again, slotting the boys into my life and challenging myself.
2018 will be a year of pushing myself out of my comfort zone and building on the successes of 2017 – I can’t wait!